philoserf (philoserf) wrote,

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Reflections from the Road.

I have been curious lately. What aspect of who I am it is that keeps me separate? Is it part of me, a thing that can not be removed, some deep nature of the human mind in general or my chemistry in particular, or is it a thing I can cast off? Would I want to cast it off if I could. It seems that the thing we are is made from the things we are but also the things we picked from the menagerie to add to the puzzle we are. Might I change some small part of me that contributes to the wondrous marvel that I am? That wonder gone after, the victim of a complicated cause and effect. So again I visit the question, for all I ever have for myself is questions, even if I can provide the answers for others, what is it that sets me apart?

Let me catalog a bit of what I know about myself.
a) I have been separate for as long as I can remember. It was once more painful than it is today. Perhaps it was the introduction of separateness that enabled me to have memories. In examining these existential questions I can begin to see the answers of the religious philosophers and theologians, can begin to see the brilliance in their attempts to answer these questions.
b) I don't follow well, even when it is not my task to lead. I am alpha++. I lead from the front, the middle or the back. I lead with a follow me that doesn't care if you follow, or I lead with a practiced subtle guidance that is motivated by a dream of what you can be. I lead or I go my own way, in general. To follow, without comment, is the most difficult thing I am ever asked to do. A thing I fail at regularly.
c) I excel at the superficial, the level of acquaintance, the surface, the edges. A safer place perhaps from which to remain separate.
d) Enough of introspection. That road is long and goes nowhere sometimes.

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